Jesus. Olivia. Faith.
"A new discovery of love, hope and joy."
"Life is about finding yourself. Don't be afraid to express yourself!"
Olivia Faith Low
I'M A FRIEND OF GOD!
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Friday, December 29, 2017
I was caught in the middle. I was at my highest point and also lowest point. I was caught in happiness and also in sadness. Many times I thought I couldn't survive, I barely can breathe in my tears, I heard myself telling God to kill me right now. I try to hide away the pain I'm feeling, I slept, hang out with close friends that will make me laugh. I realised it was hard to face myself alone or even face God because the pain is gonna be so real and painful and I thought it was gonna drown me alive. It was first started with anxiety, unworthiness and soon it became loneliness. I thought to myself it must be my fear, my character, my insecurities that I'm not able to let God take over. Yes it must be. I been running away, I don't know how to go back, I lost myself and everyday I'm just covering myself with all these covers, surface things that will make me less painful. I wanna forget those pain and hurts and live happily but idk why something inside me just creeped on and it is addictive to feel this way. How long more can I do this. How long more can I stop feeling the feeling inside of me. Nobody will really understands me even if I wanna share who can I share with?? This year, I learnt to be more alone, more acceptance to the the things that happen to me, learn to be sad and move on and be happy and the cycle goes on. We are not meant to be happy in life btw, the things here can't satisfy us. But we crave for people to satisfy us, but they disappoint and ur whole world crash, even ur family. We l are meant to be alone, to grow alone, to feel alone. Finding a right one is a bonus, a companion to support but nope u gonna try to be alone and u don't need anyone to make u feel powerful or happy. U need urself. The relationship u create between u and ur inner soul. All else can fail but this can't. Everyday u have to fight that battle until there is a release, there is a peace in the chaos. U have to keep fighting and God will deliver u at the end. God, restore my strength and courage to live life like this again. I do not ask for an easy life, I ask for the strength and courage to live life. This year was hiding, a place to be safe but next year I'm not hiding. I want to realise that life is so much more than all these and truly I can live for myself and you without being scared of how painful and hurtful. God send me angels, let my heart be open up to the right connections that can lead me higher and stronger.
Wednesday, February 15, 2017
Can these dry bones live?
The dry bones means, us, we are the bones but in the Ezekiel 37, it means we are in a hopeless situation that was not possible for us to have life again because of the word "dry".
It can be any personal situation you are facing through, that is difficult and you seems almost impossible to have any revival in your life. These bones are left them for very long, no more flesh anymore but just bones. The things you are going through, might be difficult, you struggled for very long and it became dry bones. Going to Sunday church doesn't even help because you just can't seem to make these bones alive again.
But what did God do?
He ask Ezekiel can these dry bones live again? You know it, you know the God you have can make anything happen and you trust in Him. However, walking with God need partnership. God can only make it happen if you work with Him. He said to Ezekiel,"Prophesy to these bones and say to them,' dry bones, hear the word of the Lord' God ask Ezekiel to prophesy to them, He didn't prophesy to them and let Ezekiel see, but He ask Ezekiel to do it. So Ezekiel prophesied over these dry bones as he was commanded by the Lord.
When we are faced in situation when it seems helpless and hopeless, God will ask you what He ask Ezekiel, "Can I save your situation?" and you know God will do it for you. Then He will ask you to speak to your situation. He will not speak to the situation you are in because YOU ARE REQUIRED TO DO SO. Tell you situation you have faith bigger than you fears. You can speak to your dry bones and they can come alive again.
Speak to them according to the word of God. You are not forsaken or forgotten. God is asking you to speak to them and He will make them alive again. And not only live, but you will have the life of God. God can only work if you start speaking first. When you speak, there is power, there is faith, there is trust. You need to work with God.
Wednesday, February 1, 2017
If I am not as afraid....
"The comfort zone is the place dreams go to die because nothing great ever happens in there. Things are protected and safe, there’s no room for failure and growth and change. Leave your comfort zone, fail, live, learn, then pick yourself up and do it again until you stop failing and start becoming successful."
If I haven't live in fear for the past two years, I might not be where I am now. If I stand up for myself, I might not be suffering like this now. If I can know what I want clearly, I wouldn't be so hurt now. If I can learn to guard my heart, I will not be as broken like now. I guess it was meant to happen, it was meant to fail, I needed to go through what I'm going through. After going through this, I really felt I am alive, living because living is both good and bad. We experience the downfall of the world yet the good things that came along. We experience pain because after all the pain, we truly know what is being happy like and this doesn't come easy. This is the turning point for me, is either I break or survive victoriously at the end. Life is difficult because of all this pain. I lost part of myself to something I thought that I could gave it all. I gave my heart but at the end I end up with scars, having to think can I trust anything or anyone with my heart again. I lost this round again. I failed to protect my heart. I really blame myself for being so bad at handling my emotions and my anxiety that cause me to fail so badly this time. I blame myself for being so highly sensitive to almost everything, because I feel deeply, I love deeply and I would end up hurting, deeply too. When I love, I give all, when I don't love, I don't. When I am fearful, I step back. The unknown of the future scared me so badly, I don't know where to see myself at, who to love and what I can become. It scares me and the fear is real, so real. I thought I fell into depression, I thought it would be damn freaking hard to come back again. I cried myself sometimes, fight the thoughts and battle with my own emotions daily. I couldn't depend on anyone anymore. I am on my own with myself. I can't help to feel so disappointed as I struggled through these few years with the same issue. I called for help so many times, I don't know how to help myself sometimes. I thought if I have Jesus in my heart, I can be able to overcome. And yes, I can if I want and with the help for my Father I really can. But God, this is so real I can't even handle all these. I guess I have my first time for everything. And the FIRST will always be the crucial stage to the next stage of my life. I am still at my first stage fighting, if I pass this first stage...I would really cry. Honestly, if I am not as afraid, I would have pass the stage long ago....but the fear, the fear of failure, the fear of disappointment, the fear of hurt, the fear of losing, the fear of the unknown scared me so badly that I am still stuck here. God, I know I have you in my life, I know with You I can overcome all these fears. Please help me along the way, I can't do this alone, is too scary. Is always You and me against the world, against all these fears and my demons inside of me. You can do this in me, I don't know when but I desperately wanna be okay and I want to fight and win this battle.
Your love keeps me going.